A Poem for 2025 -Learning the Histories of Family and Others…Without Regrets
Losing a Family Member has no agenda.
It is an inevitable fact of life and sometimes happens without any warning. I lost both parents within a 5-week span.
And by the time this happens, when recalling memories or details of the deceased, we often find ourselves uninformed or lacking in the knowledge about their lives, their histories. We often find ourselves saying, “I should have asked.” And with this statement comes our frustrations, regrets……..sometimes a moment of guilt. Why didn’t we ask?
In my brief time as a researcher and writer collaborating on the history of Chinese Americans, it has been a fascinating journey when I can find those tidbits of facts and information that allows me to piece together that person and how they might have been. And, my personal joy is when I can learn something relatable that I can apply to my own life or actions. History is not just about knowing dates or facts.
And, this doesn’t have to happen with one’s own family. It can be with anyone.
Whoever you are with, you have an encyclopedia of facts, knowledge, opinions and stories. Hopefully, you will take some time to be curious and get to know the person. And once engaged, you may gain some wisdom and perhaps something relatable that you can then bring forward to help yourself or share with others. This is far better than an internet search.
In the case of a family member, prying information is not always easy. Sometimes, often in the case of immigrants, they may not want to recall a past they had left, whether deliberately or forced. But you can at least try, then try again and again. It doesn’t hurt to try, though be advised that it is not always easy. Oral histories are revealing.
I was fortunate that my father took it upon himself to write a memoire. It is my encyclopedia and guides me every day as I search for more. I regret that I did not take the time to help him as he attempted to pair up pictures with his stories. Now, we have (curious) photos of unknown meaning.
I recently had the occasion to attend a memorial/celebration of life of a work colleague, one whom I always respected and I can definitively say I learned from. When time brought us together, it was always enjoyable and a moment to learn something. Listening to the wonderful stories at the memorial, I again had regrets. I wish I had known him better.
Here is a poem that was read at the memorial that gave me a moment to pause and reinforce my motivation for fact finding. Learning is not about memorizing the dates, but the stories contained between…..The Dash.
The Dash Poem
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning to the end.
He noted first came the date of the birth and spoke the following date with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between the years.
For that dash represents all the time that they spent life on Earth.
And now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash.
What matters is how we live and love, and how we spend our dash.
So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real,
and always try to understand the way other people feel.
Be less quick to anger and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read with your life’s actions to rehash,
would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?
